No More Hiding

My fear and my struggle with singlenss is not one I share to often... But with the power of God I am love, noticed, accepted, called beautiful and even deemed as worthy. Jesus has taken and is continueing to take my heart out of captivity into freedom. A freedom to dance, sing loud and be deeply loved by Himself.

For the longest time, this was the article I never wanted to write… I feared of being too hurt that my words would come across as sounding bitter and I could never polish it up enough without sounding fake. One true fact about my life has unfortunately caused my heart to feel lonely and misunderstood. The fear of being ashamed, embarrassed, or pitied by others have kept the depth of my pain silently hidden in the corners of my heart, only a few have seen. “So why share this, why bother?” I tell myself. “No one will understand. You’ll look silly and weak and just plain desperate…” As the enemy whispers such lies in my ears, I nod in agreement because my heart does in fact feel this way. However, my soul whispers “No” because God has encouraged me, loved me, comforted me, and defined me as His own. I no longer need to hide my struggle and what God has done in the midst of it when in fact it could help someone else.

With the deepest and sincerest of hopes, I pray this one topic, I’ve always feared to write, will bring encouragement to one person. If this was for you my friend it was an honor to uplift your heart and to relieve you of the thought that you were in this struggle all on your own. You don’t fight this on your own, you have a friend who understands and is in your corner.

This is for you.

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Some people know that I have struggled with singleness my ENTIRE life. Am I exaggerating… nope, not even a little bit. The desire to have a boyfriend started when I was 12 years old. As silly as this may sound when I was 12 I had a beautiful dream about dancing with a guy I went to school with. Before you ask, for all of you hallmark watching woman out there thinking, “Oh my goodness, I’ll bet God brings her that very guy!” Sorry, but no. He is already married. That is literally the story of my life but it’s okay. Nevertheless, that was it. That little tiny dream was all it took for me to want a boyfriend. The problem was not only wanting a boyfriend but longing and deeply desiring to feel wanted. I longed to feel wanted and loved in a way that was different than the love I had received from my friends and family. Now, 14 years later it’s still all I have ever wanted. So, no I wasn’t kidding when I said I have been single my whole life. Single through middle school, high school, college and so far single in adulthood.

Some may read this and think, “Girl, you don’t know how blessed you are!” You know what, in many ways you’re right! The only reason my single years have not been wasted is because Jesus intervened! He saved my soul and changed my life at 17. He also changed the trajectory of my life when He called me to Ireland for a year on mission. Then after that, He gave me the surprising desire to work in full-time ministry when in fact my dream was to be a color guard instructor… (Insert shocked emoji face here) So, you can imagine my shock and awe watching God work in my life because clearly color guard and ministry although have similarities are two totally different things. Nevertheless, God has wildly shown His grace, goodness, and mercy during these years and I am so grateful for His provision. God knew even in the midst of my struggle, I would look back on these years and love them. God knows us so much better than we know ourselves and I’m beginning to learn that more and more.

However, that paragraph above is what I typically encourage students and women my age to show them that being single is not all that bad. Yes, there are worse things than singleness believe me my heart knows this, but sometimes I get so busy trying to prove and encourage everyone that I’m okay, your okay and singleness is okay that I completely bypass being honest with myself and with you that it doesn’t always feel okay. Friends, I don’t know where you stand with your reality of being single, but for me, most days being single is a straight-up struggle. I admit it…

Being single is not all sunshine and roses, having free time and being career-driven. It’s days feeling lonely, left out, depressed, unimportant, bitter, confused, heartbreaking, overeating, coffee drinking, singing sappy love songs in your car kind of days… It’s not fun, it stinks. No one wants to feel like they're unnoticed, unloved, unwanted or not good enough. I have felt this way many days and I would bet that some of you have too.

When I’m in those moments of deep sorrow all of a sudden that “free time” turns into a deafening silence. The silence resounds the echos of the enemies lies I have battled to fight against throughout my life. The battle of reminding myself daily “you’re not worthless” and “Jesus is enough” is not a battle so easily won. Sometimes I have made it seem like the pain of being single was always something I could easily shake off, but deep down it’s never been that easy. Even if I made it seem like I simply didn’t “like” being single I have actually hated it more days than I want to admit. I wonder if anyone else has done the same thing?

I wish I could admit that every time I faced these battled I whipped out the sword of the Spirit and slayed, but unfortunately that hasn’t always been the case. My first reaction sometimes is not to turn to God’s Word, but to ignore my hurt. To push it down, push it aside, shake it off and move on. I say to myself “You’re an adult now Lorin and you have fought this battle for way too long to not know how to deal with it!” I want to quickly correct myself and loudly sing all the songs I can to keep the tears from rolling down my face yet again. Let me just encourage you that suppressing anything for the sake of “moving on” doesn’t do you any favors and most certainly doesn’t draw you closer to the Lord. Humble yourself and trust in the love God has for you and your weakness. He will never turn you away, but welcome you and gladly give you grace and help in your time of need.

For years I have thought the Lord was telling me to start a blog, share my story and talk about this struggle, but it’s not easy to admit it to a world that could easily dismiss it. But like I mentioned at the beginning, Perhaps someone needed to hear that it’s okay to struggle in your singleness and it’s okay to admit it to the Lord, yourself, and your fellow brother and sisters in Christ.

The verses below and so many others have reminded me that Jesus has never left me, I am beautifully made in His image, and He bestows an abundance of grace on me during those moments of sorrow. These verses and many others have been found in moments when the pain of never feeling pretty enough or good enough couldn’t be felt any longer. It is only by Jesus, His Word, and the constant encouragement of my beloved friends and family that I have made it this far. I pray His Word would play on repeat in your heart as you read over these at the end of this article.

If your heart relates to feeling unnoticed, overlooked, never enough and all the guys you’ve ever been interested in always being interested in someone else, this is for you and me. For those of us who struggle with singleness, you are the reason I wrote this and I want you to know something crazy important. Jesus is here to save you, love you, redeem you, restore you, mend your brokenness and heal your tender heart. Oh, the mere thought of you makes our sweet God delightfully sing over you with gladness. You are the apple of His eye, the love of His life and the person He believed was worth dying on a cross for. You, my love, are worth so much more than what the affirmation of a man can give you. I know how lovely that sounds and maybe you want that affirmation just as bad as I do, but friend just saying the name of Jesus should cause our hearts to overflow with an unearthly joy leaving us soulfully satisfied in Him.

He is enough. Jesus is enough. Believe He is enough. Live your life trusting He. Is. Enough.

I was reminded by our amazing pastor that as Christ-followers we are called to advance the kingdom of God. In whatever way He chooses for our lives He will lead us along the path that will better advance the kingdom of God. Oh, what a joyful sacrifice it is for God to spend our lives and use our lives for the sake of His Son being known farther and wider than ever before. It’s not easy to rejoice in God’s desires to use you when it hurts so much, but you haven’t been forgotten. Beloved Child of God, you haven’t been overlooked. YOU have been chosen for a purpose perhaps far greater than marriage. I know it’s tough, but I know our God is stronger. Hang in there and let your heart rest in the satisfying love of our beloved King Jesus. His plans for you are wildly good, just watch and see.

Loving Enduringly,

Lo

“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. 16 Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.”

(Hebrews 4:15-16 ESV)

“You are altogether beautiful, my love. There is no flaw in you.”

(Song of Solomon 4:17 ESV)

“For You formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise You for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.”

(Palms 139: 13-14 ESV)

“However, you are chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, people who belong to God. You were chosen to tell about the excellent qualities of God, who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light.”

(1 Peter 2:9 msg)

“The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; He will quiet you by His love; He will exult over you with loud singing”

(Zephaniah 3:17 ESV)